I have no motivation

I forget when the last time I wrote in this was......its been a week atleast. The week was hard and yet I worked very hard at work. The kids have now gone back to their mothers so my wife and I have no kids so the week should be good....and I will be at the cottage for the first time in 3-4 weekends since my daughter started hockey....

But I am sitting here Monday morning at my desk not caring about work....I need the boss here to get me motivated and without it I just feel so lazy and have no drive. All I can think of is getting the fuck out of here and doing nothing but wasting my day.

I need motivation and someone to kick me in the ass. Where do I get this from. I am too weak to have it come from within.....so where do I get the drive and motivation to get off my ass and make the calls I must make.

I feel like such a loser most of the time and know that I have fucked away most of my life being lazy and selfish. My wife is an angel. My kids are doing really well but I cant seem to stay focused. I am calling the Doctor so i can tell him about how much difficulty I am having coping with the job responsibilities etc. I have no motivation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Things have been out of sorts lately

For the past few days my wife and I have been passing like strangers in the halls etc which is so much unlike us. The week the kids arrive always seem to dampen our spirits so much since my daughter is becoming more and more a challenge while my son can be challenging but on much simpler levels. She is in the middle of her 7 day stretch and I know that she hates that and her period is just around the corner so that combined with my job stresses I am sure have created this blah feeling of late. Knowing us this is a temporary dip and it has happend before around pretty well the same things.

Today I was kind of successful in completing some of my work and was with the bosses for most of it. But as soon as I could sneak out from under them I did and came right home to see Kim and then watch 24. It is addictive for sure.....such powerful drama. I did the kitchen up nicely so that when my wife does arrive home its clean. But I didnt make any real progress at work, hey its Wednesday!!! and I didnt go for a walk or do anything in the garage. So I need to get things into gear again.

My goals will not change as I am having difficulty obtaining success with the limited amount I have set for myself. I really really need to keep diligently completing these goals. I have not failed, I've had some success but I am capable of so much more.

1) Make cold calls
2) Go for walk
3) Do something around the house to help, like the garage.
4) Keep trying to cut out fat in my diet.

I have no intention of stopping this process but really what I need to do is read this blog orver from top to bottom to see the ups and downs and look for paterns etc. Like I just read that i rated my last week a 6 out of 10. What would get me to 7 /10??? I will think on this...maybe breaking each task down into doing nothing, rates 0, doing alittle, rates a 1 etc for a total score....well my wife just drove up so thats it for tonight......I will work on that rating system.

Early wall

Its 3 pm on Tuesday and I have been slacking for about an hour. I feel no sence of urgency or drive and I have wanted to leave work since then. Having the boss keep his meeting this morning really meesed me up. I have worked steadily but have not made the number of calls I need to. Have made some but could make alot more. I am not sure why i feel so blah!! Somewhat stressed. I will likely get home and keep my promises about eating right and exercise and garage but work is a drag right now.

Tuesday after the long weekend

The past weekend was the long weekend in Thanks Giving so there was a lot of eating very rich food etc. Today I start back trying to eat more moderately. I went for a good long walk with my kids and the dog so I feel good about that. Also yesterday I spent some time working in the garage, so much so that my wife noticed it this morning when she went out to get the dog his food.

Todays goals for work are to 1) Finalize Outlook using day timer and binder notes for meeting with the boss today. 2) Book as many appointments as possible. 3) Do proposals us for presentation this week. 3) Continue walks with the kids and dog. 4) Work more in the garage. 5) Eat more moderately and better foods.
I am wary of this Wednesday since last week that was the day I hit the wall, however, because it is a short week I will either not hit eh wall or maybe hit it Thursday instead.

SECOND WEEK STARTING TODAY

Happy Thanks Giving. Today I would like to do a little something in the garage while my wife is out with her girls. Later on today she will come back and we will be by ourselves and then I am not sure what we will do. Last night and today have been a right off diet wise since its been thanksgiving and therefore lots of fattening food…but I can get back on track easily.

Since is the second week I want to reiterate that the success factor is to take just one day at a time. Last week I hit the wall only one day and was able to correct my behaviour such that I ended up have a good week. This week I will be very sensitive to Wednesday, which was hump day for me.

So this week I will keep the same goals; 1) watch what I eat, 2) Do some thing around the house, 3) work hard at work.

Made it to Saturday with a 6 out of 10 total score!!!!!!

Made it to Saturday with a 6 out of 10 total score!!!!!!!!!.

Well when I look back on the week it is clear that Wednesday was the day I was in crisis. The other 4 days of the week I worked well and hard to accomplish my job tasks so much so that my boss is pleased and I will likely see some real tangible results from my efforts. Yes, it would be all the better if I had worked hard on the Wednesday but I think that, judging from where I was the week before, I have come a long way in a short time.

My home goals did not fare so well. I started off well but failed to walk the dog or work around the house from midweek on. While that is not causing the same type of crisis, say that work would cause, it is still my goal to find a balance. I mean walking the dog and doing a small project each night just isn’t that hard to do. When my wife is on 3-11 shifts this next week and my kids are with me I believe that I will want to do these things.

My eating habits have improved but, again, I have a huge area of improvement since as the week ended my wife and I went out to dinner twice, spending money we don’t have, and we ate high fat food. Again, with the kids arriving Monday our eating habits will improve.

All in all, I am encouraged by what I accomplished. If I were to rate my success out of 10 I would have to give my self a 6 out of 10. Had I worked Wednesday it would have been a 7, had I accomplished my exercise and 8, watched what I ate, 9 and home improvements a 10 out of 10.

So my Goals for next week are simple. Aim for an 8 out of 10 score with my work being maintained for a full week, which happens to be a 4-day week due to the Thanksgiving Monday.

Bottom line; I am please with my conscious efforts in all the areas of my life but there is lots of room for improvement.

I am proud of the fact that I am prepared to continue into my second week with the same goals and desire to improve.

Works going better...and I'm going to bed!!!!!!!

Today went really well and my boss is a great help. I worked hard today with him and put in a full day. I am not going out with the dog and I am not doing anything around the house and I am going to bed….I am stuffed with dinner and feel like I ate too much today, which I did…..so work is on a better track and I am giving up tonight…….tomorrow is recycling and I will be meeting the boss for breakfast at 8:00 then we go to a clients at 8:30 then I am coming home to do calls until around 2 then going to the office….If my wife doesn’t clean up the pig sty of a kitchen tonight then I’ll do it tomorrow when I get back late morning…….I just want to curl up into my beddie byes and read till I fall asleep……is that so bad!!!! Although that will give 2 nights without exercise or working on the garage…but I am not so concerned about those right now….work yes…those things will wait a little.

Phew.....just made enough calls

Ok..it wasn’t perfect but it was enough calls to make my day be more successful. Today is calling with my boss and in that will be some cold calling so I know I’ll do it today. There is no doubt that telephone cold calling is something I can do successfully since I rarely get a no and if they want to say know or ask what it’s a bout I have a talk track which usually means they will tell me what I want on the phone.

Yesterday (Wed) was my worst day…hey hump day…as I didn’t go for a walk or work on something around the house….so ok…one bad day doesn’t ruin everything….I pulled the calls out of the fire and will continue my phone call plan.

Now I need to get off my fat ass and walk and help around the house!!!!!

This will get me right back on track and if I keep it up for tomorrow then it will be only one small miss for an entire week…which I see as progress since last week I was batting 0.

I Hit A Wall...I Know it....and I have to climb over it today!!!!!!

I hit a wall…I know it…and I have to climb over, go around or blast through it!!!!

Today is Wednesday, and if I get to the end of my day without making the calls necessary to complete my required calls promised to my boss on Monday I am just fucking myself and our financial security.

It is just a matter of time before my lack of calls will directly reflect in my sales and I will lose my job.

My wife was home yesterday and I know that had some impact but I told my wife of how much I hate cold calling and she understands and had some good suggestions….but she also called it right when she said that because she is off Monday & Tuesday one week and working 3-11 Wednesday through Friday the other that I will have a tendency to want to be with her rather than work…so she sees right through me. Yesterday after telling her of my distain for cold calling she let me take some time off but then suggested that I go to my home office to make calls from 3 – 5, so in I went and ended up procrastinating and writing a letter instead which could have waited until after 5 for sure.

So if after today, I have not made all the calls I need to I might as well admit to myself that I am not capable at this time in my life of taking the responsibility seriously since I can see the future potential for career/financial disaster and also for the financial upside.

The boss is out of the office all day so I can make my calls from home or work so there is no excuse at all for me not doing it………..that’s why if, at the end of today, I fail to accomplish this I am just fooling myself.

Financially we are fucked as well…….so there is way more on the line and at stake if I don’t grow up and do what has to be done.

Regarding yesterday (Tuesdays) accomplishments; ate well, walked the Dog but fucked the dog at work, when I was home….while at work I worked hard but like I said I must have the balls to make the calls. (pretty funny)

Haaaaaaaaaaaylp!!!!!

It's Tuesday at 1 p:m and I am hating the idea of cold calling....I just dont want to do it. My wife is home and I would rather spend time with her and even when she suggests that I have work to do I want to do everything BUT cold call.

Today was supposed to be 10 cold calls, to make up for yesterdays. But I remember from yesterday that I was keeping myself at work in the office doing everything but cold calling and then thought I would do it today.....and then today I was thinking that I would just piss the day away and make 15 tomorrow...maybe 20 as an added bonus to make up for today.

I really have to get control of this procrastination, and fast, or this will be the undoing of my job performance and ultimately my current job. What I really want is a nice middle management job that has no cold calling but that is a dream right now and focusing on the serious problem at had is essential.

I mean I was doing so well......but I want cold calling.....it's only Tuesday at 1p.m. so I could go out and cold call but I know I wont. I will probably just call my client list on the phone since cold calling on the phone is easier to do and easier to handle and easier to do volume in a short span of time.

So perhaps if my goal is to call each om my current call list, which I have to do anyways, I will get good work done, work that does have to be done and stay home today....it still doesnt change the fact that I hate cold calling in person.

I had this talk with myself a week or so ago and came to the conclusion that I could still cold call all of the names I have in my establishment list and still be successful without having to cold call face to face. If I do avoid cold calling door to door then I had better, at the very least, follow up on this idea of calling everyone on my list.

This is not good though as I am expected to cold call in person as well......the only chance I have of surviving is if I am successful with my call. The goal of which will be to get an appointment to begin the sales cycle. Also I need to get the email address......always ask for an email address since its a good sytem and teh boss gets a copy of my activity which makes him happy.

I am also going to have a heart to heart with Ben about person to person cold calling vs. on the phone.......I'll also call on Dave Grady in Thunder Bay who is half my age and way way way more successful at this than I am.

Three days down and 4 to go!!!

It’s Garbage Day!!!!

Whoopee…lol. Well Monday went well at work although the boss has put serious pressure on me by making me choose Wednesday what income split I want for the next few months. In other words, I have to sell, sell, sell if I hope to have a job in January. I hate the uncertainty of being on straight commission, however, if I am successful I will make great money; if I am not successful I will be out of a job so I really don't have much choice in the matter.

I achieved everything I set out to do yesterday but 5 cold calls, therefore I will add those to my list for today and make a minimum of 10.

My wife and I went for a walk with the dog last night and I think this could turn into a habit for the two of us if I keep encouraging it but I will continue to walk whether she comes or not.

Today I will set my goals to be very basic but essential.

1) Get proposal out to client.
2) Make a minimum of 10 Cold calls.
3) Keep driving the sales cycle for my existing appointments.
4) Walk the dog.
5) Complete small job to improve state of my belongings.

One improvement I would like to make for later on this week is to add to my list of activities is a task which will improve the state of my belongings, like clean the car, garage or office etc. To start it doesnt have to be a full job. Like I teach my kids, "how do you eat an elephant, one bite at a time". So taking a smaller part of a job and doing a bit each night would work well.

One area that I let go this summer was the state of the house since I spent every available weekend hour at the cottage. As such the grounds of the house are in sad shape and the state of the garage is a thorn in my wifes side. I figured out one simple solution to the challenge of keeping both the cottage and the house in a good state of repair. I will do the house on weeknights in small projects and then the cottage on the weekend as needed.

Follow up to Sunday (Second Day)

Sunday went well and I kept myself busy. I accomplished everything but walking the dog but I mowed the lawn and know that gave me adequate exercise. I ate a healthy low fat meal, did the laundry, finished my outlook and "A" hit list from my Genie for tomorrow mornings meeting.

Monday will be the first workday since I started my log. With the new incentives announced last Friday, the boss is going to be leaning on me for results. Considering my wife is off all day I think my focus will be on work related objectives and, depending on how I feel after work, I should still walk the dog. Most important is focusing all of my efforts on the job at hand. After all, doing well in my job means making the money I need to achieve one of my key goals so it makes sense to focus on this all week long. The worst I’ll do is make money.

1) Review work notes from previous week and make a hit list of prospects
2) Call all outstanding proposals
3) Make 5 cold calls
4) Walk the dog

Second Day and I'm doing really well!!!!!!!

Well that went well. Last night, I was able to achieve everything that I set out to do before my wife came home. So the goals I set were attainable. All the while I was doing the things on my list, I was thinking to myself, this isn’t so hard, this isn’t so bad, this is pretty easy. When my wife came home she noticed the clean house and I felt really good about myself.

So, not a bad start to my quest. I feel encouraged about my positive first step and want to have an equally productive day today. One thought that has been troubling me is when is the best time to write this log? I want to use it to set my goals and objectives for the day but here I am, at 3:p.m. Sunday, writing about what I want to accomplish today before my wife arrives home at 11:00 p.m. I think that writing it the night before for the next day may be best since I can reflect on my previous efforts, make corrections and set out the plan for the next day all after the house settles down for the night. Day timer training tells us to sit down the night before to plan out the next day so that’s what I’ll do.
Tonight I will write the outline for Monday.

Just a note about today…well actually last night…..watched the new Angilina Joli movie with my wife and then had awesome sex with my wife and I think some of it might have come from the feeling of accomplishment of the days activities. After all, Dr. MacDonald has says, when I feel less shame about myself and give myself a reason to feel good about myself, I deserve the good things I earn in life.

This morning we got up late and since it was a beautiful day we went downtown for a late breakfast, a walk around the Antique Market and waterfront, then got the grocery shopping done (a lot of healthy food choices too) and then off she went to work…it was a good day.

Today, I want to accomplish the following things:

1) Clean up, mow and trim the lawn.
2) Make a healthy dinner.
3) Put a load of wash through and fold.
4) Go for a walk, with the dog if he’s up to it.
5) Find my outlook for last Monday and edit.
6) Go through my genie and highlight the suspects.
7) Review all notes in my day timer and finalize outlook for the Boss

I'll even reward myself when doing 3,5,6,&7 by watching a movie.

That is a full day and one that makes positive progress on caring for my health, my personal belongings & my work.

Oh, I almost forget!!!!!

8) Write Mondays Goals and objectives………..but then how do I do Monday? Do I edit the Sunday entry and call it Monday so I will always be writing one day ahead? I’ll think on that some more and probably it will come to me before long.

One Day Can Make A Lot Of Difference

On Saturday, October 2nd, 2004, I forced myself to go for a walk. I had to force myself out of my house since I had just wasted the last 16 hours of my weekend playing a computer game that was, to say the least, addictive. On my walk, I took an account of the areas of my life that were suffering because of my addictions. These areas were, my health, my job, my finances and the general state of my home & belongings.

I have always been able to place my finger on what I needed to do to improve or correct my lifes circumstance, but thinking of them and then not doing them is my problem. I am glad that I have the self insight to be able to diagnose my failings and see the proper courses of action required to correct my situation. And I have, for shorts bursts of time, been able to effect positive change in my behavior and my actions that have lead to equaly shorts bursts of success. What I seriously lack and long for is long term, sustainable positive change. The type of change that will build character and make a significant difference in my life.

For the most part, my life has been one of immense luck, undeserved privilege, bursts of joy and profound disappointment. Most all of this has been entirely caused by my poor sense of self, wrong choices and warped sense of reality. On the one hand, I have a tremendous amount of personal inner strength and understanding of what needs to be done, but for the most part I am, for lack of a better description, a 44 year old lazy narcissistic sloth. I am heading towards early death, bankruptcy and misery if I continue on my destructive path. It is not a matter of what I am doing but more a matter of what I am failing to do.

After walking today, and reviewing my current state, I have come to decide that I must make a change for the better - starting today.

Starting today, I will take each day at a time for one week. I will strive to make changes of improvement in the following areas which will help improve my health, my present circumstances and my ability to provide for myself and my loved ones.

1. Walk or excercise each day
2. Keep our house and belongings in good care
3. Create and follow a consistent process at work

I originally began this exercise by writing a letter to myself that would be opened one week from today so that I could see if it was possible to make these changes stick even for just one week. I still may do that. However, the idea of writing a daily web log appeals to me and I hope that this log will provide me with the type of venue that appeals also to the writer in me.

I suppose the place to start would be a daily entry into this log that I will review at the end of the week. Being honest to myself in my writings is key, as well as making myself refer to the log daily and update my progress, or regress, whichever the case may be.

My goals for tonight are:

1) Clean the kitchen, hallway, living room and dining room.

2) Fold the laundry.

3) Complete the dogs bed

4) Prepare myself a healthy dinner

These are the things which my wife will appreciate, will give me a feeling of accomplishment and will help complete one of my goals, which is to care better for my house, belongings and loved ones.